The Past and a Prayer

 I’d like to clarify that what I’m about to share is just how some of these events affected me and my faith. In no way am I trying to slander this ministry or people in this ministry. Not everyone from this ministry is bad, there were just bad things that happened. I still love many people at this church dearly and am thankful for everything I learned there.

 Let’s be honest, in some way, shape, or form we all can be hypocritical. Just because we are christians doesn’t mean we are perfect. I understand that. Since churches are made out of people and people are broken, no ministry is perfect. I understand that too. Sometimes people are hurt by churches. Whether or not we think someone’s pain is justified, at the end of the day pain is pain. Jesus embraces pain, so should we as the church. 

 Too many times have I seen the same people who preach love show the ugly face of hate. To put it shortly, it came out that my intern director / pastor was taking advantage of multiple young men in the intern program at my church. Even later, it came out that he had been doing so for years. A few months later, someone in ministry who I trusted and felt safe with, betrayed my trust and I felt very unsafe around them. They would still get onto stages to preach and still lead people in prayer. I couldn’t wrap my head around all of this. When some of the people who helped raise you in faith start acting this way, you can’t help but question everything, even your faith.

 As I prayed at training camp, tears streamed down my cheeks. I asked God “Why have I become timid of people and timid of you? Why have I been so skeptical? How do I get back to where I once was with you?” He brought all of my past hurt to mind. “You’ve reflected all of this onto me and my character.” he said. It was time for some deep healing. 

 At that same moment, a leader came up to me saying she felt like God gave her a vision for me. She said she saw me walking into this cottage with nothing but dust and cobwebs. She felt like God was saying it represented my heart. Then a mighty rushing wind came through the cottage blowing away everything except a book that was on the floor. I picked it up to see that it was a new story God was inviting me to. She ended all of this by saying “Don’t be afraid of a new story.”

 Already in a puddle, another leader came up to me with a letter and a word. She said God told her to write a letter to me from his perspective on me. She prayed over me saying “God is saying no matter the inauthenticity you’ve been shown, He means what He says.” Then she started repeating “I mean it. I mean it. I mean it.” It may have been the same words over and over but everytime she said them something broke off in me. 

 They may not seem like big moments but I believe in authenticity again. I can look at my team and know they really are for me. More importantly I can look at my God and know that He really is for me. The moments I had at training camp awoke me from a slumber I didn’t even know I was in. Although I’m awake again, I’m still dreaming with God. I can’t wait to see the beautiful dreams that are going to unfold on this journey.