Guilt to Gratefulness

I was sitting among the clouds in a pastel-colored sky, looking down at the world way down below. I was specifically focused on an island, more significant in length than in width. A voice spoke up from beside me, “Are you ready?” and before I could think, I confidently responded, “Send me.” Instantly I found myself on the island surrounded by adults wandering about. There was a desperation in me to get to the other side of the island. I didn’t know why, but something terrible was going to happen unless I achieved this goal. I ran through the hills of sand, went over obstacles, and found myself at the other side. There I saw a playground full of kids looking at me with curiosity in their eyes. “No adult has ever come over here before. Why are you here?” they asked. “They need you!” I was exasperated, “They need what you have. Faith.” With that, the kids followed me to the other side of the island. 

I jerked awake. Pastor Amber, the children’s pastor of my church at the time, had met with me earlier that day and asked me to consider joining her leadership team in kids church. There was no denying God was telling me to move forward with her offer. 

Under pastor Amber’s mentorship, I learned all things social media, all things admin, and how to write messages, preaching them with confidence. Being a part of her team was such an honor and privilege, not only because of the things I was learning but because I got to glean from such an authentic, audacious, loving woman of God. I never wanted to leave, but God had other plans. 

Not long after pastor Amber had entrusted me to a kids director position, the world shut down due to covid. I went from being at the church every day to being alone in my apartment with God. God told me over and over again in these days that I needed to step out from pastor Amber’s leadership team and eventually the church as a whole. 

I was hurt and confused. I knew God had told me to step into the position I was in. Now not even a full year of being in it He was telling me to leave it?! I felt foolish, flakey, and undependable, but I knew I had to be obedient despite those feelings. Not long after leaving the church, God called me to the World Race. It was then that I could see why God had asked me to step out of the position, but if I’m honest, I carried guilt for months for stepping into it in the first place. Pastor Amber poured so much into me, only for me to leave. Why would God do that? It wasn’t until this month that I see why God placed me in that position just to take me out of it. 

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

Romans 8:28

I haven’t even been on the race for two months, yet God has already used every single thing that I learned under pastor Amber’s mentorship. I preached in Guatemala. Here in Costa Rica, I’ve been given responsibility for helping grow the local ministry’s social media and doing admin work for their business as missions team. Every little detail, every single thing I felt guilty for learning, God has brought it full circle. He’s turned guilt into gratefulness.

I always thought Romans 8:28 meant He would use everything bad from our past, which He does, but what I’m learning is it also means He uses every act of obedience as well. What didn’t make sense at the time is making sense every single day as I work on my projects for this ministry. Every document I organize, schedule I make, post I create, or message I write is a reminder of pastor Amber and how God is still using that season of my life. I’m in awe of his faithfulness. 

If you, dear reader, ever find yourself confused about a season of life or a step of obedience the Lord is asking you to take, rest well in Romans 8:28. Every single detail comes back full circle. 

I could end this blog here, but I have to give honor where honor is due. I have to brag on pastor Amber.

I learned a lot in those times, but the most crucial thing I learned was that I was capable. When pastor Amber pulled me in, I didn’t believe in myself or that I was capable of achieving the things God had called me to do. It’s insane how much a person can grow when they are believed in. Just like how plants can grow well in the shade, but given sunlight, they grow exponentially. That is who she is. A ray of sunshine that helps people grow exponentially. That and so SO much more. Even after I stepped out of the church, when I no longer added any value to the team, she still met with me regularly, poured into me, and loved me well. I am, and always will be, incredibly grateful.